Weekly Crime Report

Weekly Crime Report
Weekly Crime Report

For those connoisseurs of dumb crime stories written by immature people, here’s a small sampling of the Weekly Crime Report soon to be revamped and expanded. For everyone else (i.e. those lecturing about humor in crime being unwarranted–we know, crime is not funny!), please see the daily blotter (on a less cool publication that. shall. not. be. named).

Jailhouse Rock
Looks like some more pent-up frustration happening in the detention center this week! Perhaps not coincidentally, this scuffle took place on Valentine’s Day when a 37-year-old man punched a 35-year-old in the nose after he made some disparaging comments about his sister, despite the younger man’s several warnings to knock it off. Can’t say he didn’t warn him! Our internal sources (who we’re sure are very reliable) reported that the skirmish may have been over the sister’s Little Mermaid tattoo and whether it was above or beneath the ocean (Thank you, folks; we’ll be here all week!).

What the?
Feel like going crazy this morning? Here ya go: A 50-year-old man reported hearing his neighbors yelling and throwing things Sunday night around 6 p.m. When police went to check on his 50-something male and female neighbors, both denied anything had happened. Nothing to see here, folks, they said. Unfortunately, there was something to see. Namely, a syringe noticeably sitting on the kitchen table filled with a brown substance. A search warrant led to the subsequent recovery of a controlled substance, 5.9 grams of marijuana, four pipes packed with marijuana, and several baggies with trace amounts of meth. Any guesses as to why the couple may have been fighting? For their troubles, they were carted away for possession of controlled substances. But our intrepid and helpful (?) neighbor wasn’t done yet, it appeared.

The next day right around the same time, the 50-year-old man called police yet again to report two males covered in tattoos had come to his door to pick a fight. The man was able to coax them out with no blows exchanged and they took off in a Suburban.

Approximately 45 minutes later, that same 50-year-old guy called police again. This time, to report a burglary. Oddly, he was calling from his neighbor’s apartment where he reportedly found several items that had been taken from his apartment, including a couple knives and a screwdriver. He also said he was missing some prescription pills, but none of those were located. The real question is why was he calling from the neighbor’s apartment where nobody was home?  We will leave you to ruminate on this mystery while our crime reporter sticks his head in a bucket of cold water.

Booming good time
High school kids know how to have all the fun as yet another teen proved this week when he ate some ‘shrooms and went cruising. Unfortunately, he forgot to turn on his lights and was pulled over by police near Thunder Basin High School. “Hey, whatcha got there?” the policeman may have asked when he noticed the teen bending over in attempt to hide a plastic baggie under his jean leg. “Oops, that would be my ‘shroom stash,” the teen could have said as he handed over the bag containing less than a gram of psilocybin mushrooms. Oops again. Turns out he didn’t have a driver’s license. Those dang kids are at it again!

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Tweakers in arms
Note to self: When stuck in a jail cell under fluorescent lights, tweaking is very noticeable. Especially when there are jailers paid to watch your every move. This didn’t stop a guy from sneaking in some meth though. But nobody likes to tweak alone (there’s a song in there somewhere), so he dragged two of his jailhouse buddies along for the ride. A quick pee test bore out suspicions and the youngest of the three dudes, a 21-year-old, got hit with a ticket for bringing meth into the jail. The catch? He’d already been there for 18 weeks and jailers are VERY thorough when they search new inmates for drugs. We don’t really want to know where he was hiding it, but it’s not likely it was in his shoe.

Snow blowing
Sometimes in the middle of a sub-zero cold snap, a guy gets a hankering to steal a little gas while high on meth. The target? A school vehicle. Not bad thinking, except for the fact that it was in the middle of a snowstorm Wednesday morning and lone vehicles tend to stand out. Though the blowing snow proved to help in the short term, the 30-year-old driver was no match for the deputies who easily tracked him down and caught him red-handed with a hose and gas can in his car. Along with a little bit of meth, because well, when you are driving on a suspended license, a guy likes to up the ante for misdemeanors.

Fast Times at Thunder Basin High
You know what would be fun, one 15-year-old girl may have said to her buddy. What? “Let’s tie one on at school,” she may have merrily said while thinking, as only a teen would, that it would actually be fun. But there was a hitch in their juvenile plan (see what we did there?). Two teenage girls chugging PBRs tend to draw attention anywhere, but especially when they decide to crack them open in a hallway…between classes…at a high school (facepalm). Well, the rest of the story basically writes itself. Some teachers caught them on video, called the cops, and the two girls didn’t even get to finish their six pack. Maybe next time they will be smart enough to sneak in vodka in flasks (not that we would know anything about that…sip*….nor do we condone underage drinking or drinking in the workplace except on Fridays).


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