Weekly Crime Report

Weekly Crime Report
Weekly Crime Report

For those connoisseurs of dumb crime stories written by immature people, here’s a small sampling of the Weekly Crime Report soon to be revamped and expanded. For everyone else (i.e. those lecturing about humor in crime being unwarranted–we know, crime is not funny!), please see the daily blotter (on a less cool publication that. shall. not. be. named).

Twinkie trouble
What happens when two jailbirds get into a punching match and neither will turn on the other? The jail holds its own “kangaroo court” to determine the verdict. This is what happened to two 28-year-old males last Saturday after video surveillance showed one guy socking the other in the face after which he shoved back. Our internal sources (which are absolutely reliable) tell us that the fight was over whether or not the original Twinkie is as good as the mint special-edition (or possibly whether or not Tom Brady was really drunk or faking it). Regardless, they’re in trouble and nobody cares that neither feels the need to press charges. Likely, they’re looking at more time or the loss of privileges, including no more Twinkies.

Party girl
Oh, boy! Another party girl who doesn’t know when to call it a night. You would think that being cut off by the bartender and having a police escort you home because it’s so cold (thanks GPD!) would be enough to deter the 35-year-old female who was kicked out of a local bar for being super drunk and annoying. But no, after being escorted home as a courtesy, she decided she wasn’t quite ready to call it a night, and somehow made it back to the bar for another round. Unfortunately for her, however, drunk people who make scenes are memorable, and therefore, she was easily singled out. She was arrested during her second performance, and there’s no doubt it left a lasting impression on her audience!

Sh*tty situation
A very constipated 30-year-old male was arrested this week after he was caught attempting to heist four boxes of diarrhea medicine tablets valued at $51.96. During the investigation, police noted that this was not his first attempt at stealing diarrhea meds. Turns out he stole nearly $100 worth in January. Police are waiting for him to get off the toilet, so they can cite him for shoplifting. Is this a new trend on TikTok ala drinking soda, candy and cough syrup? Help us out, people.

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Kangaroo Court, part II (the sequel)
A 21-year-old Gillette man is likely very unhappy that police did not intervene after he was caught lying to his 59-year-old dad. When his dad found suspicious containers that his son claimed was CBD hemp oil (legal), he took it down to the sheriff to have it tested. Turns out the boy had lied, and in fact, the containers appeared to be THC wax residue, not CBD oil. Instead of turning the matter over to law enforcement, the dad requested that they let him “handle the situation his own way.” In parent tone, which as everybody knows, is worse than jail! We can’t help liking this guy! Go dad!

Cheech & Chong tow a vehicle: the movie
Hey, dude, you’re running a red light, a Gillette man might have said to the driver pulling his pickup as the pair flew through the intersection Thursday afternoon, smashing into a vehicle. “Hey, man, I couldn’t hit the brakes because the roads were slick,” the driver told police with blood-shot eyes and smoke wafting from his window (we’re making that up but it’s a good visual). Somehow, the slick-road defense worked and nobody was cited or injured in the crash.


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