Weekly Crime Report

Weekly Crime Report
Weekly Crime Report

For those connoisseurs of dumb crime stories written by immature people, here’s a small sampling of the Weekly Crime Report soon to be revamped and expanded. For everyone else (i.e. those lecturing about humor in crime being unwarranted–we know, crime is not funny!), please see the daily blotter.

 

Yard rage
A roving gang of teenage girls took President Trump’s loss to heart Saturday, prompting them to pick a fight with their 60-year-old neighbor lady who’d left her Joe Biden sign in her yard. “Biden sucks!” they screamed, taunting her, which apparently hit a nerve. The Biden supporter chased the kids down the street, where she was met by a 42-year-old mother of one of the girls who cursed her out. Later, however, when the 25,000 National Guardsmen arrived, backs still sore from sleeping in a parking garage, the woman denied having screamed obscenities at the older woman. Unluckily for her, however, she forgot to bring her black ANTIFA, video-camera blocking umbrella (yes, this is a thing) and was caught red-handed on video surveillance. Along with annoying every neighbor on the block, the woman and teens were returned home where they received a stern lecture from Jake Tapper and were banned from Twitter for life.

 

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No shirt, no service
When a 21-year-old Gillette man answered the door wearing only a pair of sweatpants, the deputies asked him to kindly put on a shirt before arresting him on an outstanding warrant. While dressing himself, deputies noticed a plume of marijuana smoke wafting from his roommate’s bedroom. What the heck, they thought. It’s a two-for-one special. After threatening to get a second warrant, the roommate handed over his 3 grams of THC wax, and both were carted off to jail where they got ‘roommate 4-ever’ tattoos.


Dude, she’s just not that into you

How do you win back the girl who has just dumped you? How about breaking into her garage and slashing all four tires on her car? Better yet, showing up at her place later to deny it, then refusing to leave. One misguided 34-year-old man attempted to do just that before being trespassed from the 26-year-old women’s property by police, who helpfully recommended some popcorn and a weekend marathon session of “He’s Just Not That into You,” “The Breakup” and “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

 

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Someone needs a nap
After not receiving the discount he wanted on a vehicle, a 48-year-old guy had a meltdown in the parking lot of a local car dealership, ranting and raving and hurling obscenities at the salesman while stomping his feet. Attempting to keep a straight face, the employee called police as they all laughed at him behind his back before putting him in time out without a snack.

 

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Sneaky Pete
A 35-year-old woman pulled a fast when she whipped out her collapsible baton and thumped a 45-year-old man three times over the head. Before he knew what happened, the baton was back in her pocket, and she was carted off by police for aggravated assault and battery. Unfortunately for her, karma was instant as it turned out she forgot to leave behind the .25 grams of pot on her person. Later, the two reunited over a game of pool where she sunk the eight in the corner pocket as he sheltered in place.

 

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